Saturday, August 1, 2015

Shit Show

This first week in my house has been an absolute shit show. I am really grateful to be going back to work on Monday.I won't expend any more time or energy on all the crazy shit that happened this week, but I am really glad a friend called me tonight to ask what I was doing.

"Eating pizza." I said.

She wanted to come over and help me with whatever I needed. I felt honored someone cared enough to offer! She came over and we broke down boxes in the garage, rearranged the garage so I can park my truck in it (sideways, no less), and set up my desk so I'm ready to go when I'm on call starting Wednesday.

It was such a breath of fresh air to have another person in the house with me tonight. Night time seems to be the worst time for me - when I feel like the world is out doing fun things and I am sitting at home feeling sorry for myself, or watching the ants in my kitchen discover the bait station (true story).

Tomorrow another friend is coming over in the afternoon and I am so glad to not be alone with my thoughts this weekend, although I am really feeling a lot better today. I went for my customary 6 mile Saturday walk with a girlfriend today after missing the last few weeks and it feels like my first foray back into normalcy and routine after a few weeks without it. I don't know about you, but I am a live and die by my routines kinda person. Not that I'm inflexible, but there is something really settling about having some sort of routine.

Friday, July 31, 2015

Simple Life

I am really excited about living more simply again. Part of the reason I wanted to buy a house with a little bit of property is so I can keep myself busy, because heaven knows I can complicate things left to my own devices - just me and my mind. When I lived in Folsom and blogged as GardenPunk, I explored all kinds of simpler ways of living life, and I look back on those adventures fondly. In some ways, I am trying to get back to that, with a little more know-how and wisdom these days.

As I washed my inaugural load of laundry this morning, I put up a clothesline in my backyard. I love how my house makes a "U" in the back and there is a cozy deck in the middle of it. I hung my laundry, and some of the anxiety of the last week started to fade away. I wrote about being completely out of sorts in my last post, and it's starting to fade a little. For that I am grateful. I haven't had a laundry line in over 5 years, and it's something small and simple - a good place to begin again. It feels like coming home in some ways. And this time, I am home.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Wilderness Years

I have often felt like everyone else got the user’s manual on life, and I was absent from school that day. I say that as part of my story when I share it. It’s taken me, and still takes me a while to catch up and figure out WTF other people are talking about, thinking about, or doing. Not that I really try these days… I kind of march to the beat of my own drummer, and (according to my parents) always have.

I’ve had a really hard time since I moved the other day. I have come face to face with some of my fears and wounds and I feel like the scabs have been ripped off again. There’s also the small deal that both Venus AND Uranus are retrograde right now, with a special extra aim at us Aries. Sigh. It’s dredging up all this shit I thought I’d worked through and fuck me it’s no fun. It’s *spiritual* though, so I gotta deal.


I curate the heck out of my Pandora stations, and I have spent years making sure my stations don’t morph into one another and stay true to what I want them to be. That way if I’m in the mood for blues or Taylor Swift, they don’t overlap. I don’t even listen to the radio anymore.

The other day a Lana Del Rey song popped up onto one of my stations and I was transfixed. This is what I mean about me being late to the party… I know she’s been around for a few years, but I’m just now really hearing her. There was something haunting about her voice that struck me at this time in my life; she spoke to the hollow spot in my soul, and like anything new I find out about, I spent some time doing Google research.

Apparently she is sober, which she has this to say about it, “I was a big drinker at the time. I would drink every day. I would drink alone. I thought the whole concept was so fucking cool. A great deal of what I wrote on Born To Die is about these wilderness years. When I write about the thing that I've lost I feel like I'm writing about alcohol because that was the first love of my life.”

My eyes sparkled at this paragraph. Wilderness years. WHOA

She so acutely explained what it is like to be sober, although I would consider myself just now coming out of the wilderness years at 4.5 years sober. LOL. Some of us take longer than others. (And HOLY HELL 4.5 years. I never imagined…)

The feeling I’ve had the past few days is one of bewilderment and anxiety. I used to live in this feeling all the time, and so it’s strange to be a visitor in a land I swore I’d never go back to. I feel like the last few years, my wilderness years, have been like being on a spirit quest in the middle of the forest, naked and alone. There have been people along the journey, but they have been mostly lessons. There are a few new folks that have shown up in the past couple years that feel safer, like they know I’m naked and don’t make fun of me for it or make me feel inferior or selfish for being naked. If you can't tell, I met a lot of people in the wild who made me feel all of these things. So many in fact that I have to ask myself why it took me so long to figure it out.

I often feel lost in the wilderness. I jokingly tell friends that “the biggest secret in life is that nobody knows what they are doing” but I feel like I’m one of the people who hasn’t figured this life thing out. I had a moment recently where I realized I am 34. (I thought I was 34 last year, so I  get to be 34 for two years instead of one…) It seems like just yesterday I was in 6th grade. Most of the time I feel like a 6th grader masquerading as an adult, and buying a house has brought that front and center.

It’s like being lost in the wilderness again.

So I’ll do what I know how to do: work hard, transform my yard and body at the same time and put my angst into something productive.