Friday, November 27, 2015


1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?
Currently: Hello by Adele, Castles by Halsey, Waiting Game by Banks, Love Songs Drug Songs by X Ambassadors, Save Rock And Roll by Fall Out Boy, Honest by The Neighbourhood

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
Living? Henry Rollins
Dead? Flip a coin - Maya Angelou or Katharine Hepburn

3: Who made the last incoming call on your phone?
My neighbor calling to tell me he cleaned up some branches on my property and left me a yard of compost #blessed

4: What do you think about most?
Life. Sex.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?
"She must have mentioned turkey soup 10 times today. She was obsessed."

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
On, mostly.

7: What did you want to be when you grew up?
A radio DJ. That lasted all of high school and then I interned at a radio station after graduation and was like fuck this.

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)
Girls...are my closest friends. Boys...make me question my sanity.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?
Hahahhaah. I can't even get ex's to recognize me in public. What do you think?

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

11: What’s the background on your cell?
A picture of my house

12: Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school?
Yep, 12 years.

13: What’s your religion?

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
Gardening/yardwork of some sort.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
Behind, definitely.

16: What is something you are willing to confess?
I talk to myself constantly if I'm alone, which is most of the time.

17: If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
Make my master bathroom larger.

18: Do you believe in karma?
Yes and no.

19: What does your URL mean?
Katie...from Northern California.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
Weakness? Men
Strength? Insane tenancity and belief I can change my circumstances at any time/starting over

21: Who is your celebrity crush?
Channing Tatum

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

23: How do you vent your anger?
Writing, weekly therapy

24: Do you sing in the shower?

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?
Hate? Any mouth noise
Love? I'm laughing and smiling thinking about what I want to say here

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?
Q1 2010

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
Ghosts? Yes, I've lived with them.
Aliens? Yes, chances are good that we're just an ant farm in space.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
Right: iPhone
Left: Space heater

31: How many keys on your key ring?
Three: home, work, truck

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
Mercy San Juan Hospital, with all do respect.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?
West, obvs.

34: Are you much of a gambler?
I'm an alcoholic, it's just a bad idea for me.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

36: Define Art.
It's like porn. You know it when you see it.

37: Do you believe in luck?
I believe that we make our own luck.

38: Whats been your best present?
Truck bed extender

39: Have you ever had a proper Tarot reading?

40: Have you ever crashed a car?
Not in this lifetime.

41: What was the last book you read?
Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD. Required reading for every woman.

42: If a movie was being made on you and you can choose the actor to play you, who would you choose and why?
Jena Malone, because she had a mohawk. Kindred spirits.

43: Do you have any nicknames?
Kate, Tyler

44: What was the last film you saw?
Thanks for Sharing

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?
Bacterial meningitis. Brain injury, ongoing.

46: Are you scared of needles?

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?
That I can list here? No.

48: If you could replace one bodypart with a super bionic replacement what bodypart and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
My feet, so they would work right again and I could run and jump normally.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?
Yes, recently some women spread a rumor that I'm not sober and lying about it. Um, ok.

50: Do you believe in magic?
Yep. People who don't believe in magic will never find it.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?
I try not to, but I'm an Aries, I can't help myself sometimes.

52: What is your astrological sign?
Aries. Ha!

53: Do you save money or spend it?

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?
Can't say it here

55: Love or lust?
Either would be nice.

56: In a relationship?
With myself, yes.

57: True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza.

58: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”
Super Troopers

59: Where were you yesterday?
At a friend's house and then a meeting with five other women sharing our truth about what life looks like these days.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
The writing on my sweatshirt.

61: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

62: What’s your favorite animal?
Wolves or crows/ravens. Toss up.

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
If I knew I wouldn't be answering a hundred random questions on a Friday night.

64: Where is your best friend?
In Montana

65: Did you dream last night?
Yes. Full moon, you bet I did.

66: Whats been your worst date ever?, 2011. He was 50lbs heavier than his picture, forgot his wallet, had a panic attack, made me take him to Folsom Prison gift shop, slammed my truck door as he got out at the end. Then he contacted me on another dating site in the past year because he didn't remember me... (I'm forgettable, apparently. Seems to be a recurring theme.).
Second worst was earlier this year, went out with a guy who had terrible social anxiety and had recently stopped drinking but wouldn't tell me anything about him or his life or what happened or why, and asked me a zillion questions about my sobriety. It ended up being a 12th step call instead of a date. Yay my dating history.

67: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
All the time. Tonight, even.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

69: Do you remember your dreams?
Yes, vividly.

70: Do you think two people can last forever?
This is the existential question I'm wrangling with right now.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
My boss would laugh at the idea of firing people for being late.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
a) Via twitter, yes.
b) Go buckwild (and still be sober)
c) Hell no! Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Looking forward to greeting death like an old friend when we meet again.

73: Can you look people in the eyes while talking to them?
Yes and no. I usually look at people's lips so I can understand what they're saying because of moderate hearing loss. I am working on looking people in the eyes more.

74: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?
No way.

75: Are you scared of thunderstorms?
A little. They're exhilarating.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?
If I knew the answer to this, I would tell you.

77: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
All the time.

78: Do you sleep with you sheets tucked in or out?
In this order, bottom to top: Fitted sheet, duvet cover with comforter inside, quilt, blanket. I don't have a top sheet so this question doesn't apply.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?
To leave my last relationship.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?
"There are graveyards full of the women she used to be."

82: What is your Chinese astrological sign?
Cock. Err, I mean Rooster.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.
Calcification of the cordae tendenae (I have a Cardiology appointment on Monday)

84: What is a saying you say a lot?
May the bridges I burn light the way...

85: What’s the last song you listened to?
Pardon Me, Incubus (on Pandora)

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?
Gray, green, turquoise

87: What is your current desktop picture?

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
That one dude who still won't leave me alone 20 years later...

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth about?
If you could say something to one person from your past, what and who would it be?

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?
You ask this as if it's a hypothetical question...

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
2/17/10 9pm

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
My high school boyfriend

94: Do you regularly burn incense?
Incense, no. Sage, yes.

95: Are you mentally ill?
Yes, and I don't feel badly about it anymore.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?
Not to my knowledge

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?
Not IN a car, but right outside of one.

98: Do you like to dance?

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
Just be yourself.

100: What Inspires You?
People who care. Amazing sunsets. Moonrises. Candles. Sober people. Good music. A clean house.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Cheers to Us

Cheers to those of us who loathe the holidays. "The most wonderful time of the year" my ass.

One day before Thanksgiving and I'm not feeling the Sideways Light depression which is good, but damn do I feel squirrely. I noticed an uptick in people's tweaker/nervous/frenetic energy starting this week, and was doing my best to keep it at bay and not be part of it. I didn't do so well. Yesterday I bitched someone out while in my truck in a grocery store parking lot. Aside from the discussion whether the dumbass driver deserved it or not, I seriously lost my shit and my serenity over something that I could normally let go. When I got home, I angrily ate my take-out dinner, binge ate marshmallows, and ended up taking a nap before going to a meeting. I needed to be around my people.

The holidays are fraught with angst for me. This season is full of awful memories and failed expectations between the cute little bookends of Thanksgiving and New Year's and frankly, I'd rather just let it all go down the drain and not celebrate them at all (except maybe the decorations and kissing at midnight). Being single is even *more* fun this time of year. I have a feeling I'm going to be making a shit ton of soap and going to a shit ton of meetings because both get me out of my head and curb my anxiety. (PS soap company logo done and reveal soon!)

Families are a source of angst and bewilderment for lots of us. When I was still married I would drink (heavily) to get through it and all the bad behavior, snide comments, and passive aggressive bullshit that's endemic to most families during the holidays.

All I can say is thank goodness I'm sober, and thank goodness for Wellbutrin.

Today I know that I have a choice in how I approach the holidays. I don't have to do a traditional holiday to try to pretend everything is great and perfect. I'm spending Thanksgiving at a friend's house and headed to a meeting afterwards. My sister, mom, and I are getting together on Friday and then afterwards I'm headed to yet another meeting because this is what I have to do to get through the holidays. I need to be around my people.

So if you hate the holidays, you're not alone. Many of us do. It's OK to admit it and do your own thing. I know I will.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Sideways Light Update

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It usually hits me like a ton of bricks around Halloween and doesn't relent until March. It has been like this for years, and I got used to thinking that I was just crazy for 4-5 months out of the year (or 12). Over the years I've called it Sideways Light - when the light takes on a sideways quality (lower azimuth), somewhere deep inside me an alarm goes off and I panic.

This summer when my depression descended upon my life as bad as it ever has, I couldn't imagine going into this winter like that given my history. I was terrified. I reached out to my NP of 10 years and she put me on an antidepressant. Wellbutrin 300mg so far has been my savior (and frankly I couldn't care less if everyone knows that I'm on it. Or that I'm an alcoholic in recovery. Or any of the other things people usually hide from others...vulnerability is strength and the truth will set you free). This week I actually felt happy when I woke up for three days in a row. Novel concept. Is this what I'm supposed to feel like? Shit. I should have started taking this stuff when I was 14.

This year I haven't noticed the Sideways Light like I normally do. I'm feel like I'm able to cautiously enjoy autumn instead of bracing myself for what has been the inevitable in past years. However, last year I felt OK until Thanksgiving; I'm hoping to not be gobsmacked again this year. After the time change a few weeks ago, I felt myself go into hibernation mode and I am sleeping a lot more. There are weekends where I don't even get out of my pajamas and pretty much do nothing. The plans I had to plant a lot of fruit trees this winter are no longer on my radar. Right now I feel like this is all about self-care and listening to my body, even when that means I don't get off the couch on the weekends. I hate it, but hey, at least I don't feel sad anymore.

I have wanted to write and share things here but also don't really care. It often feels like there are much more important things happening in the world than hearing me talk about being single, write about antidepressants, or what's going on in my house (broken toilets, fucked up grout jobs, zero weatherstripping, zero gardening happening, etc).

My current thoughts.

I wish I had a cat.
I'm grateful for Wellbutrin.
I really, really like my neighbors and my house (in spite of the fucked up job the flippers did to it).
I'm bummed I don't have the energy to put in fruit trees this year like I'd planned.
I am so, so grateful to be sober and the holidays reinforce that for me.
Xenophobia is bullshit.
I seriously have the best job ever.
I think my therapist is an alien or I'm being Truman Show'd.
I'm actually excited to grow out my hair, now that I don't have heat headache problems.
Highlights too, yay!
I really wish my HS stalker boyfriend would get a hint and leave me alone...20 years later.
I'm glad I hung curtains when I had some energy this week.
Twitter is my favorite thing.
Friends don't let friends listen to Adele alone. But 25 is SO GOOD.
I'm getting an extra paycheck in December and it's all about TREAT YO SELF.
Should I even post this?
Fuck it.