How much can your life change in two years?

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my crazy life journey. I can't believe it's already been two years since I was sick! My therapist tells me that I now get two birthdays - my regular one and my Meningitis "New Life" Birthday. I'm still trying to convince Mountain Man of that...

Time flies, and things get better all the time. It seems fitting that Mountain Man and I spent the better part of the weekend working on the yard and house - even more progress, and I was actually able to keep up. It's so satisfying to have decent stamina. We've planted eight fruit trees recently, started seeds in the raised beds and inside under lights, painted more ceilings and walls, and replaced some light fixtures (which is always an adventure because nothing in our house is "normal" - oh no, everything is what we jokingly refer to as "custom.") We're making a big push to get rid of all of the blue painter's tape and update the house from looking like a 1980's timewarp rental.

The backyard

Today's project

We work together really well as a team and I am so glad to have him on my side. Today is the one year anniversary of our first date. We can hardly believe it's already been a year. It feels like a lot longer, but in a good way. Last week I was waiting for some test results and kind of freaking out. Mountain Man said this to me, "No matter what happens I will be here to love you and help you." 

Unicorns do exist!

We both giggle about this picture now. Thank you OkCupid!

Speaking of Mountain Man having my back and being my support system...last week I got a call from my doc's office (she was on vacation) and her staff told me I needed to follow up with my Nephrologist (kidney specialist) after seeing my most recent lab results. SHIT. I called his office, the office said he'd review the results and call me back.

chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp 

Thankfully I had my regular doc's office send me a copy of my test results, and they weren't really all that surprising to me, nor were they all that bad.

Here are my test results over time since I was released from the hospital. (Click to view large). I've noted what the "normal" ranges are for each, which I find tells a really interesting story, especially with the ferritin!

Nope, not within a single normal range!

(The info below is as I understand each test, but I'm sure there is probably something below that is wildly inaccurate. Welcome to my life.)

1. Blood Urea Nitrogen (BUN) - From this website, "BUN concentrations may be elevated when there is excessive protein breakdown (catabolism), significantly increased protein in the diet, or gastrointestinal bleeding (because of the proteins present in the blood)." I recently went on a bit of protein binge, and I can tell that looking at the results and not feeling well for the past month, I need to follow lower protein diet! For more info on BUN, click here.

2. Creatinine - I am officially one year sober tomorrow. You can see the drastic improvement in my creatinine results between 9/2010 and 5/2011.

3. Glomerular Filtration Rate (GFR) - This is the number I watch really carefully, as it's basically the rate at which fluid is filtered through the kidneys. Totally healthy kidney function has a GFR of about 90+, but test results are ok if your number is over 60. I wish. My kidney specialist told me way back in 5/2010 that I shouldn't expect it to get any better, but over time it has improved slightly. I remain hopeful.

4. Ferritin - In layman's terms, ferritin basically regulates the amount of iron released into your bloodstream. When I was in the hospital I received 19 units of blood (fun medical fact - your body only holds six units of blood! I officially bled to death three times over. Go big or go home.) and countless other units of platelets and plasma. Because of this, the ferritin protein cumulatively built up in my system to 10x 8x the high end of the normal range shortly after I was released from the hospital. It may take a number of years for this to resolve, if it ever does. The weird thing about it? I'm anemic even though I have an overload of iron in my system. Go figure.

Yesterday my Mom's current and former coworkers threw a retirement party for her. I can't believe she was with the same company longer than I've been alive. I can't even imagine. I did work there during my early 20s as well and it was a pretty fun job, and I learned a lot about insurance and it's eventually what led me to get my degree in Risk Management and Insurance. It was great to see all of her coworkers, and even some of the folks I worked with too. Congratulations to my Mom. She already looks so much more well-rested and relaxed. Happy Retirement!

L-R: My sister Kelly, my Mom, moi, Mountain Man

Last night at my Mom's party she said to Mountain Man, "Truly, I've never seen Kate so happy as she is since she's been with you." 

Feburary 25, 2010 - Contracted bacterial meningitis (2) 

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February 26, 2011 - First date with Mountain Man (1) 

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February 27, 2011 - Sobriety date (1)

= Lucky

How do you measure progress in your life?

Last year when I first met Mountain Man, I became active again. We would go hiking, walking, mountain biking and it was a pleasure to be out and about. After being locked in a hospital room for six weeks with little access to the outdoors, I no longer take being outside for granted. Plus, even though I enjoy(ed) going to the gym *ahem masochist ahem* I get bored easily. Being able to get out an experience the fresh air again was wonderful, and to have someone wonderful and supportive to do it with was a gift.

Problem was I couldn't do very much or go very far without feeling completely exhausted, or take a lot of breaks. I was used to have a very strong physical body and to face the reality that it wasn't that way anymore, even after going to the gym for months, was really hard to swallow.

One of the first "hikes" we ever went on was to a reservoir right off a main thoroughfare in Auburn. After walking what seemed like quite a distance we came to a grate walkway that covered a really long canal a little ways off the ground. I couldn't bring myself with my lack of coordination and balance to walk over it to the other side. I was scared, so we turned back and walked back to the car.

Today a friend and I visited the same spot to go for a walk in the beautiful weather we're having (I wore shorts!). The walk in wasn't nearly as long as I remember, and when we got to the raised grate walkway, I wasn't fearful. In fact, it looked like it would be fun to walk to the other side! So we did, and I stopped about 2/3 of the way across to take a picture to commemorate that I was actually on the thing that I couldn't do last year around this same time.

10+ feet off the ground, afraid of heights (and water), and have coordination/balance issues.

Today's hike leader/cheerleader

It felt really good to walk to the other side. I was beaming because this is how I measure progress in my own life - last year I couldn't do it, but this year I could. I get down on myself a lot and get frustrated when I can't do something I used to be able to do (like yoga). But days like this remind me that I am getting better, and it's a continuous process. I've told people I know about the book I mentioned in my last post, and the quote, "It took me eight years to fully recover." Whenever I start feeling down, Mountain Man will say to me, "Remember, eight years."

Around the bend

Today's walk got me thinking about how I define and measure progress in my own life. There are parts of the old me that I really miss and might not ever be like again, but there are many more parts of me that I am grateful to have left behind. It's a tenuous place to reflect upon because I am glad to be who I am and I certainly don't want to seem ungrateful for where I am in my life. I know that mentally I'm in a healthier place, I'm happier, and more well-rested (never underestimate the power of sleep!), but I'm now focusing on what I am able to do and how much I've improved rather than how far I still have to go and if I'll ever get there.

What I do know is that it could be a lot worse.

How do you measure your own progress - be it personal, professional, physical, or mental?

Feel free to leave a comment here, or join the conversation over on Google+

Lean Into It

If I could list one thing about my life that drives me crazy, it’s that I don’t feel like I can trust a good thing, good times, or stability. I feel like the shoe is going to drop at any minute, and I’ll be left scrambling to reorganize my life. It’s happened before throughout my life, and could happen again. This issue and emotional baggage is what I’ve been dealing with for the past month in blog silence (among other things). I’ve been seeing my therapist weekly and find myself making progress, albeit painfully slow for an impatient person like me.

With the emotional baggage is also the physical baggage and the thought that I am never going to get better or get back to where I was before I was sick. I just finished reading My Stroke of Insight by Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor*, a brain researcher. I came across her TED talk and a line from it left me dumbfounded:

“…on the morning of December 10, 1996, I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own. A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain. And in the course of four hours, I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage, I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life. I essentially became an infant in a woman's body... It took me eight years to completely recover.” - Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, TED2008

When I read that line in her TED talk, I paused it and cried hot, stinging tears. This coming Saturday marks the two year anniversary of my dance with bacterial meningitis new life birthday and there are many days I feel like I’ll never get better. But to hear someone who had a brain disorder as serious as hers come through as a new person after some time had passed reignited all hope that someday, I too will be better.

I have to remind myself that I already am.

I make no secret that in my life I struggle with feeling like I am always struggling, physically and mentally. I feel as though I can’t relax, let things happen, or relinquish control. While it’s gotten a lot better since I’ve been sick because I had no choice but to accept what happened to me, the process of not minimizing what happened to me under the guise of “moving on with my life” has been difficult. At one point I wanted to stop writing about it, but how can I? The situation changed my life so deeply, and so profoundly that by not talking about it buries it deep and it grows moldy down there. I have been transformed, and love sharing that part of the journey publicly in hopes that it inspires others or helps them with a situation of their own. That is my goal with this blog.

I talked a while back about a title for myself. I liked the one a friend came up with, but my Intuition told me to keep thinking about it. So I did. And I came up with this:

Transformer

I told Mountain Man the other day and he giggled and said, “More than meets the eye!”

Exactly.

I have completely transformed in such a quick period of time that I’ve only recently realized that I haven’t really fully processed what happened. Coupled with trying to seriously start my own business and work for myself - I had to take a break and reevaluate some things. “Digging deep,” as someone said to me recently. I’m leaning into the trust that I know is possible to believe in and feel deep within the core of my being. To believe in the power of intention and that I am deserving of my life. The process is ongoing.

Sometimes you just have to shut your eyes, take a deep breath, and lean into it.



So that’s what I’ve been up to lately. In the meantime, I haven’t been completely blog-free. I redesigned/updated my blog, created a Facebook fanpage, and changed newsletter formats (PS - If you were subscribed before, you will need to resubscribe [upper right on blog] - my apologies). On the other hand I’ve been doing a lot of work for my Shelf Reliance business too.

I’m happy to be back with a more grateful attitude, and especially grateful for the company you offer on this crazy journey of mine. Thank you for your support, each and every one of you.

Katie

*Amazon Affiliates link.