Wednesday, October 7, 2015

I mowed my lawn, motherfucker

Hello! It's been a while.

I mowed my lawn the other night. It took me two hours since I have over a third of an acre of lawns and hadn't mowed them in three weeks. I hired a lawn crew when I moved in, but fired them after three visits.

That's kind of how things have gone around here.

In a funny turn of events, a neighbor peeked his head over the fence and told me he noticed all the work going on and if there was anything he could do to help. "Well, actually, yes." Was my answer. He sealed up all the gaps and entrances where rats and skunks could get into my house (true story) and when I chatted with him afterwards he said he likes helping neighbors and there was no charge.

I could have cried.

I think the deal is this - I've had a really hard time asking for help my whole life. The word I chose for this year was SURRENDER and holy shit has that been the case. I think this is me finally surrendering to asking for help and being ok with it.

Since I don't have a picture of my mowed lawn, here's a gratuitous house picture


In other news, I have been making soap like a fiend. I absolutely adore making soap! It's been such a breath of fresh air to have a new hobby. I'm still at the point where it's what I'm thinking about when I fall asleep. It makes for pleasant dreams that way...

You can follow along with my soaping adventures on my Instagram page (along with gardening, pizza, laundry, sunset, and house pictures since that is pretty much my whole life). 

Lots of people have been asking if I plan on selling my soap. The answer is yes! I will be opening an Etsy shop in the near future. I will make sure to post the link here and on twitter when that happens. And yes, it already has a name...

Stay tuned!

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Middle

From the wedding I attended last night

Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

You know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own
So don't buy in
Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best
Do everything you can
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

-Jimmy Eats World, The Middle

Friday, September 11, 2015


I stayed off social media today. On any given day I'm usually pretty active on Twitter (God, I love twitter!), and today is one of those days I just couldn't. Wouldn't. I opened the app a few times out of habit (man, I use twitter A LOT), and closed it immediately.

(Originally I sat down to write about all the things I was going to tweet, but wrote this in about 20 minutes instead. Guess it needed to come out.)

I couldn't face the onslaught of pictures, tweets, memorials via Instagram picture memes, and relive the horror of this day YET ANOTHER YEAR. Earlier this year a wise friend told me, "You can move on from something without getting over it."

9/11 changed the trajectory of my life. I had always been a fearful person, that day amped it up in a way that I only now realize. I was 20 years old. After that I changed my major from Communications to Business Administration. Emphasis? RISK MANAGEMENT AND INSURANCE. If you could mitigate something away, you didn't have to be afraid.

I believe that as a country we suffer from PTSD from 9/11. Each year when we drag up the pictures and videos and talk about that moment and what we were doing when we found out, we are not paying homage to the people that died or their families, we are playing the tapes in our heads that have well worn grooves in paths so deep that we can't see over their edges, or out of the abyss. We trigger ourselves over, and over again living in the aftershocks 14 years later. We live in the fear of what if? when? why? elevated threat levels, war, us vs. them, etc.

By participating in this, I am just reinforcing the fearful tapes I've played for my entire life. I'm sorry, but I can't do that to myself anymore.

This week I did some work with my mentor and after feeling stuck for the last few months (years?) was able to articulate that for my whole life I have felt not good enough, and if people only knew the real me, they would leave. They always leave. I have manifested this exact situation in my life over and over because I have had a limiting belief that I am not good enough. It was entirely fear-based. I have not shown up as myself in relationships and have always tried to prove myself to people - friends, lovers, strangers. Look at me! Look at how badass and cool I am! Because I haven't put all my cards on the table, I attract people who do the same thing. Then when I'm left gathering up the pieces of my heart and life, it validates my low opinion of myself, "See you're not good enough for someone to stick around!" And thus, the pattern continues.


This week, that completely fell away. Overnight. Years of emotional armor gone. It was said of me, "You are softening." I no longer consider that a sign of weakness. Sometimes it's just about articulating the idea and getting your hands around it and being able to touch the other side that makes you realize it wasn't as big and scary as you thought it was.*

Today I told a friend that I am no longer afraid. Something is happening to me, a new opening. A month ago when I was in terror it was because I was deep in the wilderness and didn't recognize anything or have a bread crumb path to follow; I've never been here before. I've worn out the tapes that play in my brain and medication has helped me climb out of the abyss, out of the ruts that I couldn't stop walking in even though I wanted to, off the roller coaster ride that I never wanted to go on in the first place.This time I've found myself in completely uncharted territory, and I'm starting to see life as an adventure again.

And today?
I am no longer afraid for my personal safety.
I am no longer afraid of strangers
I am no longer afraid that I might let the wrong people into my life.
I am no longer afraid of being single in perpetuity.
I am no longer afraid of losing everything.
I am no longer afraid of what people think of me.
I am no longer afraid of being myself.
I am no longer afraid of not being good enough.

Today is my sister's birthday. I got to text her for a while and hear about how great things are going for her, just living her life. This is what I do every year on September 11th, because there are birthdays and deaths and anniversaries and weddings and births and new beginnings that we cannot allow to be overshadowed by darkness.

Speaking of darkness, don't let it creep in under the door.

*In related news, I had to go back to my rental this morning (I still have it through the end of the month) to let cleaning people in. (After the last month, I couldn't bring myself to pour any energy or time into something that wasn't mine...) I've had a list of things I needed to get done before they came, and I've been procrastinating about it most of the week because a) my AC went out and that was a 48 hour fiasco with 105F+ temps, and b) I've had a migraine for 72 hours. This morning I went over and hustled through my list in about 45 minutes. Huh. They say if you have to kiss a frog, don't wait too long... Guess I should have done that sooner and not had it hanging over my head for the last six weeks...