If I could boil the last two years of my life and my philosophy down into five words:
Life holds hands with death.
Being deathly sick changed my life in the most profound ways. I changed as a person, as a human living on this planet. It changed the way I think and the filter through which I see the world and act within it. It certainly clarified what I am here for on this planet. Although it drives Mountain Man nuts, I have a morbid premonition that my life won’t be all that long, or not as long as the 96 years I once projected. I think of my health issues as a nod to being alive and a constant reminder of my mortality.
When I was still at my full time corporate job, my intuition sat down next to me on my desk her legs swinging back and forth not touching the ground and said, “You need to take some time off. Do something different.”
“But what?” I asked her. “I can’t just quit my job. How will I make things work?”
She was relentless, sitting and swinging her legs all the time. “You need to do something different. You need to take some time off.” is all she would say to me. Nothing else. No advice. Just direction.
Last time I didn’t listen to her, I almost died. So yeah, I'm all ears now.
I started planning my escape from Corporate America. I spent months brainstorming and thinking about it, countless hours talking with my best friend about it. And then in a single moment, it became my reality. Someone opened a door while I was busy going out the window. I finally knew what I was going to do, or at least I knew what the path to get there looked like. And because of all that thinking and planning, I was able to climb back inside the window and walk out the door with my head held high.
I didn’t want to spend the next 30 years working for someone else’s bottom line as a corporate servant in exchange for money and have little time to do what I really want to do with my life. I’d rather have time than money, but that’s just me. (I also really dislike being told what to do.) I want to write, take pictures, garden, be creative, and help people. Currently, I am proud to report that I am working on all of these things.
I am restarting my photo business.
I have a writing workflow that I spend time on each day.
My ebook is being written an idea and paragraph at a time.
I find my creativity again and feel it flowing through me.
I signed up to be an Independent Consultant for a company I really believe in.
The garden I’ve dreamed of is taking shape.
I’m getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new people where I live.
I joke all the time that if you would have told me a year ago this would be my life, I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are now. Things are great, but the constant reminder that it can be taken away in a breath is all I need to live the life I want to live today.
Life holds hands with death.
I'm listening.
ReplyDeleteDamn, Katie...I am a firm believer that there are those that have premonitions of the future. BUT I also am a firm believer that all of us have our time we will spend on this earth - and not a lot of us know how long/short that time will be. I do firmly believe the universe has a "time plan" for all of us - and, (outside of abusing our bodies), we have little say about when we go. You, my friend are a deep soul who needs to leave her mark here, not only for your sake but, I think more importantly, for the sake of those around you. I would bet against you that you have many many years left here to leave your indelible, good mark. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm sorry for the loss in your friends life. I hope she can come out on the other side of her sorrow with no lasting scars.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you made that leap and got out of something that was making you miserable. I wish more folks could do that.
Good luck on your new path!!
I recently had an old friend and youth fellow hell raiser die of a heart attack on Christmas. It makes you think. RIP P.K. Mueller
ReplyDeleteMs. Katie, you are definitely helping people. You always get me thinking...thank you.
ReplyDeleteI typed out comments earlier, and then Google's 2-step verification process ate them. Boo!
ReplyDeleteNatalie - Glad you are listening, I feel it flowing from me right now!
TSannie - I agree with you 100%, especially that part about not knowing when it's your time to go. That's why if my life ends up being short, I want to say I lived more life than had it been long. I'm glad to have come back from the dead with a renewed sense of purpose - it took a little while to find it. I'm going to kick ass and cause trouble as long as this body allows! And hopefully pass along some of the "wisdom" I've gained from the journey. Thank you.
CeeCee - Thanks for the kind words for my friend. I will pass them along to her. I enjoyed the work I did and my coworkers, but I resent being told what to do and being obligated in a way that makes me feel trapped. So I climbed out the window! I wish more people had the courage to follow their dreams. It's a lot of work, but it's rewarding all the same.
Greg - I am sorry to hear about your friend. It's hard to watch a friend die not just because of the loss, but because of the reminder that our day, too, will come. all you can do is live the right life and follow your dreams with reckless abandon until then. My condolences, Greg.
Abi - I hope I'm helping people! I really do. I feel like that is my journey now. I am working on so many ideas and can't wait for things to start coming together. I am really proud to be someone who doesn't swim in the shallow end of things; it allows me to feel the full range of my emotions and evoke the same reaction in others. I like to think.
As non-rational as it is, I feel like I'm going to die at 59, like my dad did. (Never mind that my mom is staring down 80 and it's scared of her!) At first this scared me, but then I saw it more like an opportunity. It allowed me to quit my job. It makes me value small everyday things other people don't see. I want to enjoy life, not live forever. Yeah inner voices and kicking alter egos! :)
ReplyDeleteOh, and we all die. There is beauty and grace and the ultimate fairness in that. I think being aware of one's demise isn't gruesome or negative, but it serves as a reminder to live life, as much as one can, on our own terms every day. <3! Every new beginning comes for some other beginning's end.
ReplyDeleteVery inspiring. Beautifully written. Someone close to me (my grandfather) is currently on his deathbed and I can't help but think of how much I cherish being alive. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteMonica - "I want to enjoy life, not live forever." Precisely. I'd rather have 50 great years than 80 meager ones. My alter ego is a fierce little thing. (She was the one that would have come to the robbery fight last night!) People are far too afraid of death in my opinion. Death isn't frightening to me anymore, wasting my life is. Make your own rules and march to your own drummer. It's way more fun.
ReplyDeleteEthan - Thanks for stopping by and leaving a nice comment! That's the thing about death - it makes us closer to life, if we let it. I wish your grandfather peace, and wish you a happy life.
When we were deep in reading about "prepping," hubby and I had frequent discussions about quality of life versus quantity. Twenty more good years would be of far more value to me than forty mediocre ones. (And quality of life ... for both of us ... is definitely better when yours truly is not working FT at a job she hates!)
ReplyDeleteChile - This is my first threaded comment! Just like you were one of the first to actually comment on my blog way back in the day... MM is wonderful about helping me pursue my passions and it's so nice to have a partner that would rather me be happy than rich and miserable. I am a different person than when I work full time and the kicker is I "work" more hours per week now than I did at my full time job, but it fulfills me in a way I hadn't expected. I like having a lot of irons in the fire and my creativity set ablaze!
DeleteOh, I hear you on the working more (and harder) while "unemployed." As a fellow unemployed friend of mine says, "I'm way too busy to get a job!" ;-)
DeleteHa! That's my new line when people get all uppity about why I don't work a corporate job. Good to hear from you, been wondering about you lately. Hope you write about your blog vacation soon.
DeleteThought provoking. Thank you for your inspiration. I believe that having more time to enjoy and live life is the best path.
ReplyDeleteI guess that I did truly have it all at one point and I realized that path wasn't making me happy, so I changed gears. I make a LOT less money now (growing all the time), but I don't need as much to live on as I thought. And not surprisingly, I am way happier nowadays.
DeleteI'm here from Rowdy Kittens - and I am staying. I'm an ICU nurse - I see life and death hand in hand every time I work. We work hard to save life - sometimes we "win," sometimes death wins - and most times, when death wins, it is OK. We forget that - we are not meant to live forever but we are meant to LIVE. Sometimes, we work really, really hard, keep someone "alive," and their family says, "he/she would not want this." They let them go - courage and compassion overtaking the grief at the thought of losing their loved one but considering their loved ones FIRST before themselves. Often, people live who we didn't think would - they come back, walking and talking, looking completely different than we remember them and it is SO good to see them returned to their life, knowing we did good.
ReplyDeleteWelcome. I am forever indebted to the ICU nurses who saved my life. Everyone assumed I would be another case of death within a few days, but once it became clear that I wasn't giving up, I had my own cheering squad. I go back a couple times a year to visit and say hello to these people to let them know that their work does matter, because I am living proof. I do look and act completely differently than before - I am a changed person and eternally grateful for the mortality wake up call! I no longer fear death since we already met once and he said it wasn't my time; next time we meet, I will greet him as an old friend. No, we are not meant to live forever - our goal should be to make an impact in the short time we actually do. Thank you for what you do.
DeleteDear NorCalKatie and All:
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading all these wonderful comments and am sorry for those who have lost people in their families, friends, aquaintances and patients. I know that life goes by in the blink of an eye. I agree with Katie S, near death or severe illness is a wake up call. I will be 59 (a young one) in June and I realize that there is more to life than accumulating stuff, working 40 hours a day and unending responsibilities. Last year, for the first time, I visited Athens, Greece, where my family was from (they are all gone now). It was an experience I will never forget.
So to you all, I would say Thank for your posts and information - they have helped me. Our pastor says we all have to face our mortality when others close to us pass and we are only one heartbeat away from our lives changing. That is why we have live our lives fully and In Jesus Christ, who came to earth to die for our sins.